[Editor's Note: Written by Swza, originally published in 2007, hastily republished for your viewing pleasure. Some of the links might be dead by now.
See Worst Song of 2008 here.
Nominate songs for 2009 here.]
Let’s get one thing clear.
I, like most people, enjoy music. I like a nice thick bass line (a la Larry Graham). A pounding four on the floor drum beat. Heck, I’m even known to enjoy a vocoder from time to time (unless it’s Cher) . But I have trouble enjoying a lot of today’s music. A lot of it just doesn’t sound good to me. The majority of pop, rock, and hip-hop I hear on the radio, television, and internet seems to have lyrical content similar to a 5th grader’s crush notebook and the sonic aptitude that could only be produced by tone deaf autistics armed with Casio keyboards. And just when I think I’ve heard the worst song(s) of my life, quite often the next song I hear makes me want to burst my eardrums with a rusty screwdriver. It’s a good thing I don’t have any rusty screwdrivers in my car.
For the second year in a row, I’ve decided to share my musical misery with you (all 8 of you that will read this) and attempt to rank the worst hip-hop songs of 2006. Probably the worst part of compiling this list is the fact that I had to listen to these songs over and over again to try to determine what made one song worse than another song. That’s like trying to rank which pile of steaming dog poo you see is the most disgusting while walking through the park.
To best understand each of my comments on the songs, be sure to listen to the audio clips and watch the music videos (if they haven’t been yanked off of Youtube yet. FUCK YOU VIACOM, AND FUCK YOUR SHITTY MUSIC). If you click on the name of the artist, you’ll be linked to the music video. If you click on the song name, you’ll get an audio clip. Like last year, I chose not to create a formal way of measurement to determine why these songs are so bad. Generally when I listen to music, I tend to pay attention to the song’s musical composition (it’s complexity, beat pattern, riffs and vamps), vocal delivery, and lyrical aptitude. With that said, these songs feature very, very, very, very poor musical composition, vocal delivery, and lyrical aptitude. Not in that order or combination, but not necessarily not in that order or combination. For each song, I’ll do my best to point out what it exactly is that irks me.
One more thing. Before we get to the list, I feel that is necessary to explain that some of the songs on this list aren’t of your typical mainstream hip-hop fare. Rather, a few of the songs could be classified as ‘regional hits’ or ‘internet exclusives’ that you may not have encountered. In other words, don’t flip out it “I’m in love with a stripper” isn’t the # 1 worst hip hop song in 2006.
Before the list starts, I’d like to recognize a special song that just missed out on making it.
Honorable mention - K-Fed - “Popozao”
While Popozao had the potential to be the worst hip-hop song of the year, the fact that it never materialized into more that the clip you heard works against it. Sadly, Popozao never made it to K-Fed’s album. Why spit on a man’s dream (and my nightmare) when it has been deferred?
And now to the arbitrairly chosen worst hip-hop songs of 2006. Because of the length of the list, I’ve decided to split it into three parts.
31) Chamillionaire feat. Krayzie Bone - “Ridin”
Actually, I can tolerate this song. That’s because I heard it approximately 47,092,834 times. Between April and August. At least you can always count on Krayzie Bone for a chuckle. I mean, aren’t Bone Thugs still funny? Probably funnier than Weird Al.
Choice Lyric:
“book in my phone findin a chick I want to bone/ like they couldn’t stop me/ i’m about to pull up to your home/ and it’s on”
30) Jagged Edge feat. Jermaine Dupri - “Stunnaz”
Anytime I hear about someone singing about sunglasses, I think of Blu-Blockers.
So in a way, are Stunna Shades the hip-hop version of Blu-Blockers? Except iced/blinged out? I guess people are running out ideas for song topics. I can’t wait to hear a song about someone’s ballin ass shoestrings.
Choice Lyric:
“In the middle of the day/could be 12:00 at night/ you’ll never catch me without my stunnaz on.”
29) DJ Godfather feat. Play n’ Skillz & Pitbull - “Get Freaky“
Sorry dudes, I can’t condone the use of this sample. Now every time I hear “Sweet Dreams”, I think about your bad booty jam raps. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a good booty jam rap as much as the next guy. But when you sample a well known song, you can just come up with “g-g-g-g-et freaky” and talk about Petron! You gotta do something fly, like when 2 Live Crew sampled KC & The sunshine Band’s “That’s the Way I Like It” and turned into their classic “Face Down, Ass Up.” Now 2 Live Crew knew how to make a good booty jam!
Choice Lyric:
“If you got your favorite thong on/ GET-GET-GET-GET-GET FREAKY”
28) E-40 feat T-Pain and Kandi Girl - “U And Dat”
If this is the future of music, then God please kill me now. I don’t mind E-40 (anyone that wrote a diss track about Rasheed Wallace is ok in my book), but the synthesizer riff on this track is garbage. T-Pain doesn’t bring much to the table either. Not like he ever did, but you know…he’s doesn’t add much. When did monkey become slang for fanny?
Choice Lyric:
“I’m a put my bid in and tell you something slick/ whisper in your ear while i’m holding my dick”
27) Bow Wow feat. Chris Brown - “Shortie Like Mine”
Hip-Hop ‘love songs’ are tough to do. For every “You’re all I need to get by”, you get at least 5 songs like this. Wisconsin doesn’t have as much cheese coming out of it as this song does.
Choice Lyric: ” And we can talk about anything/ She Got Good Conversation/My Homie My Lil Friend/ And Plus She Patient “
26) Baby Boy Da Prince feat. P. Town Moe - “The Way I Live”
WARNING - KATRINA JOKE AHEAD.
Not really. I’m not that mean. Though I will say I’m proud to say that Baby Boy da Prince is continuing in the tradition of great New Orleans musicians like Master P, Juvenile, Mystikal, Silkk Tha Shocker, Lil’ Romeo, and C-Murder. Which in essence means he sucks. What, you thought I was going to mention Louis Armstrong?
Choice Lyric:
“grindin all day hustlin all for the cakes man / now my benjamins stack one inch taller than great danes”
Hey Cassie! 1985 called. They want flashdance back. In all fairness, I’m glad this song came out. Now there’s a challenger to Lumidee (remember her?) for the title of “singer with the least amount of tone in their voice”. I’d rather hear the death cries of Barbaro on his way to the great pasture in the sky than listen to this song.
Choice Lyric:
“they heard i was good/ they want to see if it’s true”
24) Pretty Ricky - “On The Hotline”
Hey, someone has to make 12 year old girls want to give it up. It might as well be these goons. I wonder if they ever call up Bobby Brown for advice?
Choice Lyric:
“jumped out the car and I met you at the door/ three seconds in the house and yo panties on the floor”
23) Lil’ Scrappy feat Young Buck - “Money In The Bank”
Am I the only person that wants to see Lil’ Scrappy cut a CD with Scrappy Doo? Probably.
I doubt that would put more money in Lil’ Scrappy’s bank, but i doubt he has any left after asking all those shorties what they drink. He asks, like …50 of them in just one listening of this song. QUIT DRINKIN HOES!
Choice Lyric:
“I’m a get that dough/ and fuck with them hoes”
22) Chingy feat. Jermaine Dupri - “Dem Jeans”
In some twisted way, this could be an anthem for people who struggle to fit into their jeans. I could see this song being in some sort of Jenny Craig ad. Like, some woman is trying to fasten her pants, while the “bet you had to jump up and down” part was playing. Crossover genius, right?
Believe it or not, I don’t think that’s what Chingy had in mind when he wrote this.
Choice Lyric:
“that’s the type of shit i’m on/ let me see you get em on/ back it up a bit/ yea that’s it/ cause can see your thong”
21) Gucci Mane - “My Chain”
Another gem from the Durrrty South. Gucci Mane, for all the time you spend talking about
your chain, do you think people actually like it? Maybe you need to hype it up some more. Just to be safe.
Choice Lyric:
“don’t you see how bright it is?/City girls and country girls be tellin me how tight it is”
20) Brooke Hogan feat. Paul Wall - "About Us"
Few men have done more for the publicity of grills than Paul Wall. Few women have done less for music than Brooke Hogan. If you ask me, it's a perfect combination! One thought though. If Hulk Hogan is a real American (as he claims here), he could at least choked his own daughter out and given Paul Wall an atomic leg drop to prevent them from making this song.
Choice Lyric:
"How's a girl to breathe with all the media starring down my mouth/
With a four inch lens I just wanna hit the mall with some of my friends"
19) Young Dro feat. T.I. - "Shoulder Lean"
Sorry Young Dro, but referencing inhalers in your raps is NOT gangsta. However, this gives me an idea for a song. Hmm...what body motion can I turn into a song...maybe the heel tap? Or the shin flip? Maybe the flabby arm giggle? 106 & Park, here I come.
Choice Lyric:
"I take breath/ the opposite of primatene mist"
18) Bubba Sparxxx feat. Mr. ColliPark & Ying Yang Twins -"Ms. New Booty"
Here's a fun fact you might not know. Bubba Sparxxx was discovered by this man, now an A & R at some music company. Apparently, he saw something in Bubba Sparxxx. Something other than his fat, grease covered, sometimes red neck. Either that, or he's trying to make Vanilla Ice roll in his grave. Wait....you say Vanilla Ice isn't dead? WELL then... Stop that train!
Choice Lyric:
"take it off let it flop/shake it freely"
17) Lil Jon feat. E-40 & Sean Paul of the Youngbloodz - "Snap Yo Fingers"
I won't lie. I enjoy the occasional Lil' Jon song (aww SKEET SKEET SKEET (Amazingly, he never says Skeet Skeet Skeet in this song!)). But someone needs to keep the pixie sticks away from this man. And by pixie sticks, I mean cocaine/purp/Petron. Lil' Jon has more energy than a meth-addled prostitute at a Vikings Sex Cruise. This has to be one of the most simplistic beats made since 1982 (i'm looking your way, Run-DMC and Beastie Boys). This is quite possibly the worst 'dance' step since the Bartman.
Choice Lyric:
"You can't do like me, I'm by myself/ I do it so good, I don't need nobody else"
16) Danity Kane - "Show Stopper"
The so called "winners" of Making the band 3, Danity Kane is a reminder to all parents that sometimes, you should crush your child's dreams when you have a chance. Or else your child could end up hanging off the knob of Puff Daddy (I REFUSE TO CALL HIM P. DIDDY). Really, do you want that for your child? I'm guessing in 2 years, they'll break up to pursue illustrious solo careers, like the Spice Girls. And look at the Spice Girls NOW!
Choice Lyric:
"Hydraulics make our heads go nod/Hair blowin' in the breeze/ Yo, we superstars"
15) Ms. Peachez - "In The Tub"
Way to go internet! Not only do you provide useful information like this , you expose the world to unique musical expressions. Take Ms. Peachez for instance. You won't hear Ms. Peachez on the radio. At least not in Minnesota. I hate to ruin the surprise, but Ms. Peachez is a man. I hope you didn't find out the hard way. At least this song promotes positive hygene. Except for that whole hanging out in the dumpster part.
Choice Lyric:
"I need some toys/ Where's my rubber ducky?/ Here ducky ducky/ Here ducky ducky ducky!"
14) Kelis feat. Too Short - "Bossy"
How are you today Kelis? What's that, you say you're Bossy? Well, that's great. But you know what? You should be slapped for dyeing your dog's fur blue. Computer effect or not, only Outkast can get away with that. And the fact that you're Bossy doesn't make up for the fact your song sucks. It sucks like realizing that the diamonds that are in your grill aren't diamonds at all, but instead the souls of aborted children. You just put aborted childrens' souls in your mouth Kelis - you still feel Bossy?
Choice Lyric:
"I ride the beat like a bicycle, I'm icy cold"
This is how Twista would rap if he got hit in the head with a shovel 57 times. Besides Rick Ross' crap delivery, the use of a sample from the Scarface soundtrack/movie does NOT make you gangsta.
Choice Lyric:
"Who ever thought that fat girl would turn into oprah?"
12) Mims - "This is why I'm hot"
Sometimes it's difficult to figure out why some rappers make it big, and why others don't. So Mims, I gotta thank you for explaining to me why you're hot. I would have guessed it was your ability to rap as slowly as possible. And that you like to bite the styles of other regions (or are you giving them props?). Plus the fact that you have nice things like rims. But I was wrong, and I'm glad you took the time to explain to me why you're really hot, and conversely why I'm not. I'll start working on that, so i can be as hot as you. If that's even possible.
Choice Lyric:
"This is why I'm hot/ I don't gotta rap/ I can sell a mil'/ sayin nothin on the track"
11) Jim Jones - "We Fly High"
If there's something I know, it's about Ballin. After all, I did host a radio show that was called "Ballin Outta Control." And you can't claim to be BALLIN just by shouting out the word BALLIN, talking about ice, hoes, liquor, and naming yourself after a cult leader. It takes more than that, like sliding a credit card between a strippers buttcheeks (forward to 6:50 in the video, if you dare!). Now THAT's what I call ballin!
Choice Lyric:
"BALLIN...I made the whip get naked/ while i switch gears bitch lookin at the braclet"
10) Fergie - "Fergalicious"
I'm sorry to inform you, but there is nothing delicious about you Fergie. Nor do I want to find out if you're t-a-s-t-e-y, as Will.I.Am claims. I assume that when you say you've got the boys on rock-rock, you've gotten them hooked on crack. I mean, why else would they think you're all that? You know why I think this? It's cause you've pissed yourself in public. That is gross. I hope you're paying JJ Fad crazy sampling royalties for this massive turd of a song.
Choice Lyric:
"I'm Fergalicious (so delicious)...my body stay vicious / I be up in the gym just workin on my fitness"
9) DJ Webstar & Young B - "Chicken Noodle Soup"
Normally, I love songs that feature warning sirens. However, hearing the words and siren in this song makes me want to go outside and catch a cluster bomb. With my mouth. I sort of understand how a dance can inspire a song (examples: the macarena, the electric slide, the twist), but at least those songs had words that you could actually rhyme without adding the suffix ‘-ton' to it. And yes, I just used the word suffix. I paid attention in English class! What are you going to do about it?
choice lyric:
"CHICKEN...NOODLE...SOUP!"
8 ) T-Pain feat. Mike Jones - "I'm in Love with a Stripper"
For the first half of 2006, I was convinced this was the worst hip-hop song of the year. Vocoders should NOT be used to mask your inability to actually carry a tune. Mike Jones! MIKE JONES! WE ALREADY KNOW YOUR FUCKING NAME, PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP. And for gods sake, what ever happened to the belief that "you can't turn a ho into a housewife?" Is that no longer the rule?
Choice Lyric:
"She can pop it/ She can lock it!"
7) Akon feat. Snoop Dogg - "I Want To Love You"
And by "I want to love you," Akon really means "I want to fuck you." I can usually figure out when a word has been changed/censored for the radio, but I'm surprised I didn't see this coming. Really, I didn't. I guess Akon wasn't lying when he said he's up front. I wonder if the Pentagon has thought about using Akon's voice as a weapon against Gitmo detainees.
Choice Lyric:
"baby you got a fatty the type I'd like to marry/ wanting to just give you everything and that's kinda scary"
6) P. Diddy feat. Nicole Scherzinger - "Come To Me"
Every time I see or hear this talentless hack, I want to exhume the Notorious B.I.G.'s corpse and beat the fuck out of Puff Daddy with Biggie's fat ass femur. I know Puffy told us that he won't stop, but maybe the crushing blows to his temple from the bone of a dead man's skeleton will slow him down.
Choice Lyric:
"My extravagant taste and styles perplexes em'
5) Yung Joc - "I Know You See It"
The king of nursurry rhimes, Yung Joc has proven to his 5th grade spelling teacher that dreams do come true, even if you get held back two years for failing spelling. I think this song contains the nastiest lyric to NOT be censored on the radio (as you'll see below).
Choice Lyric:
"Throw a couple of ones, then she throw away her thong/When she bust it open take a picture with my phone."
4) UNK - "Walk it Out"
WHAT THE FUCK? SERIOUSLY, HOW THE FUCK DO I WALK IT OUT? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN EASTSIDE? IF YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A FUCKING SONG BASED ON A SHITTY FUCKING DANCE, THEN TELL ME HOW TO FUCKING DO THE FUCKING DANCE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!
Choice Lyric:
"Now walk it out! Now walk it out! Now walk it out! Now walk it out!"
3) Fergie - "London Bridge"
I feel bad that I ever got an erection from thinking about this woman (the Hey Mama video, in case you're wondering). And I LOVE my erections. That's how much I dislike this song. I will pay you $5 if you can actually tell me what the FUCK a London Bridge is. Someone needs to take this bitch back to the trailer park so she can prepare for her upcoming Special K fueled appearances on Cops.
Choice Lyric:
"All my girls get down on the floor(OH SHIT)/ back to back drop it down real low(OH SHIT)/such a lady, but i'm dancin like a ho(OH SHIT)"
2) Jibbs - "Chain Hang Low"
Why would you want your chain to hang low? Wouldn't that make it easier to snatch off? Are you trying to compensate for something you're lacking? Well, I guess when you're as talented as Jibbs, you don't worry about these things. You don't have to worry about making catchy hooks as long as you have a book of nursery rhymes near by. I hope Mother Goose got a writing credit for this shit.
Choice Lyric:
"They think i am a mutant/the way a boy is beasting"
1) Ms. Peachez - "Fry That Chicken"
And now for a serious comment. I thought D4L's "Laffy Taffy" , 2005's worst hip-hop song, made me ashamed to be African American, but I was wrong. "Fry That Chicken" is absolutely horrible. The only way I can accept the existence of this is if it were some sort of emotional and psychological response to Hurricane Katrina. Otherwise, it is the most coonish, niggerish thing my young African American eyes has seen. And I willingly watched all of R. Kelly's "Trapped in the closet."
Choice Lyrics:
"I've got a pan/I've got a plan/ I'm gonna fry this chicken in my hand"
"I'm a warn you now baby here's the deal/ one piece of my chicken you gonna call Dr. Phil"
Before I take a bleach shower to cleanse myself, I should say thanks to all the people that suggested songs and all the feedback. Keep an eye open for the hip-hop songs of 2006 that I actually liked. Until then....